Beyond Birthday's Chronicle of Crimes
by BeyondLawlietBeyondCompare
Summary: Did you know that BB has committed dozen of crimes before and after the LABB murders during his life? Well, BB is here and using my account to tell all us fans about his career of crime, his viewpoints on subjects, and his own personal guide to life.
1. An Introduction: A Meeting of The Minds

Heh, heh, heh, heh….Hello….I'm Beyond Birthday….I'm using my dear sweet girl's account, BeyondLawlietBeyondCompare, but I assure you that this is the real BB. She's sooo nice…ha, ha, ha, ha….This is not a ask Beyond Birthday fan fic….I could give less than a damn about answering your questions…not that I hate you…I just don't give a fuck….

To all my fans I say this…I am a psychopath….plain and simple….do you know the euphoria that comes with taking a life? I still to this day get chills when I think about how beautifully the pale moonlight illuminated Believe Bridesmaid's corpse and how I savored his velvet crimson blood on my tongue….the way the rays bounced off the blade of my knife…By the way…do you know what I did with Quarter Queen's missing limbs?

I ate them.

Kya ha ha ha ha….you read that right….I am a cannibal…contrary to what you've heard or believe about me…I'm a sick bastard…and you're probably sicker for 'loving' me… but I digress…

So I guess you wonder what exactly is this about…well it's a journal of sorts….it's a look into the life of the world's greatest serial killer….I'm not going to go into too great of detail about myself...mostly tell you about other crimes I've committed prior to and after (yes, I've committed more crimes after being caught)….it's a chronicle of my past discrepancies….a living legacy of my evil and vile ways…

First things first.

My current…heh heh…'residence' is at the Agnews Insane Asylum in Santa Clara. Where I've become more of a nut than I ever was…ha ha ha ha ha! I shit you not…So pull up a comfy chair and fresh jar of jam and take a look inside the mind of The World's Greatest Serial Killer, Beyond Birthday. Kya ha ha ha !


	2. Fuck Buddies

Before we go off into the other crimes I want to take this time to educate you on the LABB murder cases….oh correction…heh heh heh…educate you on the BACKGROUND STORY of the LABB murder cases.

Those of you who have read the Death Note: Another Note novel know of the woman who lead to my failure in my quest to surpass L. Naomi Misora.

In the book she and I were simply two 'detectives' solving a case together, correct?

Heh heh heh, WRONG!

She and I were lovers…well lovers isn't exactly an accurate description….since I didn't 'love' Misora…we were fuck buddies…allow me to explain.

When we were taking a break investigating Believe Bridesmaid's murder in his living room. I had just lead Misora to the book and therefore to the message I had left in the room. I asked Misora about the ring she had on. She blushed slightly and told me that she was engaged to a colleague of hers. She didn't want to say more on the matter but I pressed on. She eventually let it slip that his name was Ray Penber. I've never been the type of man to skirt around what I want and I wanted Naomi Misora, I asked her point blank what kind of lover he was and if he was as good as me.

She slapped me. As to be expected.

"What the hell kind of question is that you freak?"

"Why are you so insulted, Miss Misora? Is it because he's not?"

At this point she huffed as her face turned red.

"I-I don't have to entertain this bullshit! I'm leaving!" she snatched up her purse and turned on a heel. She slammed the door behind her…I sat on that couch for a good 10 minutes…thinking about what she said in the bathroom when she called me creepy and pathetic. Heh heh heh…I love it when I can make a woman squirm…

Anyways I went in the bathroom and jacked off a bit. (Angry women turn me on) and went back to my room that I rented in a motel. When we met at Quarter Queen's house, Misora was looking EXTRA sexy…it was all I could do keep from taking her then and there on the floor where I chopped poor little Queenie to bits….henh henh henh….I'm starting to get the bloodlust just thinking about it…

"Misora, you never answered my question…"

"What question Ryuzaki?"

"Is Ray a good lover or not?"

"That's rude Ryuzaki."

"So?"

"What do you mean so?"

"Misora…I want to know."

"Shut up Ryuzaki!"

"Just tell me Misora…"

"WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT? LOOK IF YOU WANNA KNOW SO GODDAMN BAD, HE FUCKING SUCKS OK? I HAVEN'T HAD SOME DECENT SEX IN MONTHS!"

As soon as the words escaped from her lips I pounced on her. She tried to push me off when I planted my lips on hers but I held her hands down on the floor. I figured she knew some type or martial art (and I was right!) so I tried to calm her down. I smiled at her (I really tried to make it look pleasant honest) she gasped and turned her head. My member was throbbing at this point (10 inches of cold hard steel ladies ;)) and was quite visible through my jeans. She caught a glimpse and her eyes began to bulge.

"So big…" she murmured to her self. I bend down and kissed the nape of her neck. I licked and nibbled as I worked my way down to her chest.

"Does Ray ever foreplay with you Misora?"

"Ahh…no…." she breathed. I unzipped her leather jacket and began to fondle her nice round breasts. She stopped struggling with me and actually took my shirt off. Now just so you know I may look like L but we deffo aren't built alike, I'm much more sturdier than L. I'm a broad chested man and I have a bit more muscle than L does. (Scrawny bastard) Plus my hair is more wavy and it's dark brown but whatever. Anyways, next thing I know we're rippin each other's clothes off and goin at it like junkyard rabbits. I won't go into further detail on the subject (just know that halfway through that bitch was callin me Daddy).

So this was a little digression on how much of a slut Naomi Misora is. (We did it again in her fiancee's bed. Take that Penber!)

Remember to read and review.

Now get the hell outta my sight.


	3. Bio's and Dead Kittens

Back again….henh henh henh…there's not a lot of information about me out there…and since I know my fans are dying to know here's a quick mini bio about yours truly:

Name: Beyond Birthday

Age: 24

DOB: December 25, 1986

Height: 5'10"

Weight: 144 lbs

There you go….so now we can properly begin this chapter…

When I was 4, I committed my first murder. My victim was a kitten. A kitten who belonged to our neighbors (this happened back when Mom and Dad were still alive). Anyways the kitten had wandered into our front yard…and that little piece of shit scratched me when I tried to throw it back to its own yard…..you see I've always hated cats….kittens as well…when it scratched me I tried to take the high road and only kicked it…but that bastard scratched me again…you see it I was already pissed because Mom wouldn't let me have jam for dinner (that bitch deserved to die, I was glad when that train splattered her guts over that station, but that is a discussion for another chapter) so I grabbed one of those terra cotta bricks (you know the kind your parents use to outline the flower bed?) and proceeded to bash its head in.

Needless to say he (or she, I don't discriminate) was dead in three blows…It's blood was staining my fingers…it was my first time seeing blood in copious amounts and I think that incident first started my love affair with blood…however I didn't develop a love for animal blood. Human blood is much more….sentimental…hmm hmm hmm..ha ha ha ha…KYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !

…

Sorry….got a bit side tracked….well there I was savoring the feel of blood when I heard a scream. The little girl next door had witnessed the whole event and when to get her parents. They came out and the woman started crying, the dad slowly approached me.

"Give me the brick son….oh God…what….why did you do this?" he asked obviously disgusted.

"It scratched me. It deserved to die." I replied. He stared at me, an absolute look of horror spread on his face….I began to smile…a sinister smirk is more like it (I've never been able to smile correctly, it always comes across as a smirk) He got up and ran to my door, frantically ringing the doorbell. Mom came to the door.

"Ted, what's wrong?"

"Your son just bashed our kitten's head in!"

"What?"

Mom ran out to where I was. I was still holding the bloody brick. I looked up at her.

"Beyond, how could you? What the hell is wrong with you?" she screamed.

I said nothing for a while.

"The blood is so beautiful…" I said.

Her eyes sank and she grabbed me by the arm, and pulled me in the house. Ted followed us and stood at the door to talk to my mother.

"Your son is sick, Diane, please get him some help. I mean those blood red eyes and his constant talking about death."

I went to the bathroom to wash off the blood. I could still hear their conversation.

"I…I know…I…told Rob that Beyond wasn't acting right…but he's so busy with work and…Beyond he…he's always been able to predict people's deaths…I….just don't know what to do anymore…. I knew he was sick but I just never thought that he would go this far….my baby….is a monster."

She closed the door and started crying on the couch. Hard down crying. I took advantage of the situation and went to the kitchen and got out a jar of jam and started up to my room.

"How can you eat after bashing a kitten's head in?" she screamed at me when she saw me. I ignored her and went to my room.

I never got attached to my parents, I knew at that time that they would only live two more years. Which pleased me because then I could act and do as I pleased. Bashing that kitten's head in was one of the greatest days of my life, and it was then that I knew that I was destined to become a serial killer.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter…I do enjoy sharing my madness with my fans and since I'm in a good mood I will answer ONE question from a reviewer. Next chapter, your truly will share some pointers for getting what you want out of life.

Gashes and Stab Wounds (works like Hugs and Kisses),

Beyond Birthday


	4. BB's Rules for Life

Kya ha ha henh henh henh! BB is back again with another chapter of Beyond Birthday's Chronicle of Crimes!

I've been a bit detained what with BLBC's (BeyondLawlietBeyondCompare) finals and shit.

BLBC: Sorry BB, but I gotta pass the quarter ya know?

Yeah yeah, anyways this is chapter is BB's Rules to Live By with a story about my second crime when I was 6.

1. Don't get mad. Get fuckin' pissed and THEN get even! Can't tell you how many times people have said "Beyond, you have to learn to control your anger." or "Backup, learn to resolve things peaceably." Well this crazy son of a gun says to hell with all of that, someone pisses you off you not only tell them so but do something about it! Turning the other cheek never got anyone anything other than a sore face.

2. Always keep a sharp knife handy. I personally prefer to have at least a 9" chef's knife with me every where I go. You never know when you might need to shank a bitch or when some poor unfortunate soul's lifespan is up! Kya ha ha ha!

3. Question everything. Never accept anything at face value. If I had just went with the flow of Whammy's I would've never been able to get out that repressive hellhole and lead my own life of murder and mayhem!

4. Experiment. Kinda goes hand in hand with the 3rd rule I mentioned. When I was kid all the crimes and murders (mostly animals, MOSTLY) were my experiments. I would do…really awful things to innocent creatures. I remember I killed a pigeon and sewed his wings to a rat's back. Heh heh heh good times….good times…

5. BB's last rule…DON'T SET YOURSELF ON FIRE! Seriously that shit hurts and now half my face looks like Joan Rivers WITHOUT plastic surgery. *shudders*

BLBC: *kisses gross half BB's face* It's not THAT bad...I don't think anything could look as bad as that, besides you're still just as sexy as ever.

*puts hand to just-kissed cheek, blushes* Aww...thanks babe.

Anyways this story took place when I was 6 about a month before my folks got bumped off. You see I used to have a little brother, name was...something (I never even bothered to learn his name)...but he was a total pain in the ass. He was born when I was two and when he was a baby he used to keep me up at night with his infernal crying. Plus mom and dad preferred him to me anyways (who can blame them? I was crazy as hell anyways) but I liked to be alone and have my privacy and his existence prevented that. He used to always rat on me to our parents. "Mama! Mama! Beyond is hurting something!", "Daddy, BB's being mean to me!", "Mama! Daddy! BB pushed a little boy down in the street!". I used to always get caught and in trouble because his tattle telling ass and I had gotten sick of it.

So at the beginning of the month, I found a stray dog and tied him to a tree in the nearby woods. He was hurt and starving which had already made him aggressive. Everyday I would come and hit the dog with a stick, at first he would whimper and cry but then he started to hate me and would try to lash out and bite me. After being starved and beaten for a month he was angry...nearly rabid. It was time. At home I went in my brothers room and asked him to come play with me. He was initially skeptical of my request but he agreed. I took him out to the woods where I kept the dog and then ran off from him yelling catch me if you can. I would only run so far so that way he could see but I was keeping my distance at the same time. I kept leading him like that until I reached the tree where the dog was. I climbed up the young fir across from the tree and got in position. The day before, I had rigged an old ax I found in an abandoned shed in such a way that if I were to pull a carefully placed string it would fall down on the rope that tied the dog to the tree, thus freeing him. I was perched in the tree and saw my brother coming towards us. He first saw me in the tree.

"Ha! I got you Beyond!." he yelled.

I smirked. "No, I got you." I pulled the string. The angry dog rushed on my brother. His agonizing screams pierced the silence of the woods. I watched with glee as the dog mauled my brother to death, devouring him until almost nothing was left. After he finished he started barking up the tree I was in. I pulled out a homemade bow and arrow and shot him right between the eyes. I slide down the tree and put my arm in the dog's mouth and pressed his teeth marks to look like he had bit me. I tore my shirt and cut myself to look like claw marks and rubbed my own blood all over my shirt. I placed the bow, arrow, and what remained of my trap and the rope in a bag with a couple of rocks and threw it in a lake. I ran home my eyes brimming with fake tears and pounded on the door to my house. Mom opened it.

"What happened?" she screamed.

"We were playing mama! And there was a dog, I-I tried to fight him off but he- he was too big and strong..." I lied.

"Where's your brother?" she screamed.

"He's dead mama! I tried so- I tried so hard!"

Needless to say I had gotten away with murder heh heh heh...they found his body and believed my story...just as planned...

Well that was a doozy henh henh henh...I hope you all enjoyed my story...I know I did...

As always read and review!

* * *

Gashes and Stab Wounds,

Beyond Birthday


	5. BONUS: A Short Digression on BB's Music

Some of my fans might want to know what's on my summer playlist. Well heh heh heh... I don't make any differentiations between the music I listen to from season to season. Here's some of my favorite songs suitable for anytime of the year, and also an artist that I highly recommend ha ha ha ha ha!

Strawberry Gashes- Jack Off Jill

Such Horrible Things- Creature Feature

Indestructible- Disturbed

Coming Undone- Korn

Iron Man- Black Sabbath

Everything Ends- Slipknot

Happy Birthday- The Birthday Massacre (Not your average birthday song mind you ;)

Blue- The Birthday Massacre

Grave Robber At Large- Creature Feature

They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha Ha!- Dr. Demento

Recommended Band: Creature Feature, sort of a Halloween/horror rock band that has an album that is simple full of win... henh henh henh henh... its called The Greatest Show Unearthed, pick it up online or in stores its Beyond Birthday approved ^^b.

Gashes And Stab Wounds,

Beyond Birthday


	6. Cake and Sodomy

BLBC & Beyond: Welcome back to Beyond Birthday's Chronicle of Crimes!

Today I wanna talk about my relationship with L, the first time he and I met and how kinky he REALLY is...heh heh heh...a topic that will most likely be to the yaoi fans delight. I've read a lot of fan fics about us being bitter enemies, about us being lovers, and about us being best friends or whatever.

I hate L. Pure and simple I hate that smug bastard with every fiber of my being. But I'll be dammed if the man wasn't sexy as fuck ha ha ha ha ha. Being bisexual I cannot deny such an obvious fact. L is so obviously bisexual too, he's just in denial, trying to maintain that he's completely straight, heh heh heh heh but I know better. Trust me kids, L likes the dick AND the pussy. I'll summarize what I think of L in a Likes/Dislikes list.

Likes:

His Body

His Eyes

His Hair

His big 'Lawlipop' ;D (Yes I've seen it heh heh heh!)

His pale bony ass (Which I've pounded quite a few times back at Whammy's)

Dislikes:

His attitude (He can be quite nasty sometimes)

* * *

I first met L when I was about oh...about 12 or 13. L was 15 and he was visiting Whammy's to check up on us. (He did this at least twice a year, it was always mayhem because everyone would vie for L's attention, which he showered on his female successors heh heh heh) So anyways Mr. Whammy had asked me to take L his lunch (a piece of cake naturally) since some kids got into a fight outside and he had to go break it up. I walked into L's room on the second floor.

"Hey, L! I got your cake! Old Man Whammy woulda brought it to you but he was busy!" I called from the open doorway. I peeked inside his room. L was sitting on the edge of his bed masturbating while looking at a picture. I walked in, he snapped his head around as if there were no bones in his neck. He blushed and hurriedly stuffed his cock back in his pants he set the picture down on the bed, it was a picture of C and D in the cheerleading uniforms they wore when they went trick or treating last Halloween, they had just turned 12 last week and week before last, respectively. L stood up quickly.

"Umm...Backup, I-I wasn't expecting company..." he stammered. I blanched, L was nervous. L was never nervous.

"I see." I replied. "Masturbating to barely teenage girls, L? And your successors no less?"

L swallowed a lump in his throat. "Backup...I..." he began.

"No need to explain L. I understand. They look really cute in those uniforms right?"

L smiled as best he could. "Yes, they do. But...still...don't tell them ok?"

"Ok."

"Backup, come here." L said suddenly.

I hesitated before walking towards L.

"Shut the door." he said.

I shut it and sat on the bed next to L. L brought his face closer and started to kiss me. A heated blush came over my whole body. L stuck his tongue against my lips, silently asking for permission. I parted my lips and his tongue dove right in. We stayed locked like that, sharing a passionate kiss before L broke it and smiled at me. A real smile.

"All what's missing now is C and D." L said.

"Yeah..." I replied. I wanted all three of them right then and there.

"Are you a virgin, Backup?"

"Yes."

L kissed me again. This time he let lifted off my shirt, kissing me all over my chest. He undid my jeans and brought his face back up to mine.

"Where are they?"

"O-outside." I breathed.

"I'll have them tomorrow...but today its just you and me." He pulled out my cock and began to suck on it gently. I worked off his shirt and started kissing on his neck.

"Seme or uke?" he asked.

"I-I-I-" I stammered.

"Uke for today, Backup."

L turned me over on my stomach and pulled out his cock. He entered me gently and began to slide inside and out.

"Next time," he breathed huskily into my ear. "It'll be a foursome, with you as my seme."

He jerked roughly inside me and I couldn't help but squeal. He chuckled softly and began to go a little faster. He grabbed the cake off the tray I had brought to him and ate a bite. He took off another piece with his fork and brought it down to my mouth.

"It's good." he said happily. I ate it and smiled. I started moaning and L began to pick up the pace. He went faster and faster all the while telling me not to be so loud and feeding me intermittent bites of cake . We came at the same time. Afterwards we laid in the bed, snuggled up my head resting on his chest.

"Please don't tell Watari I'm bisexual." L said sadly. "I don't want him to hate me."

"Whammy will never hate you L, he loves you. Your like a son to him."

"I know, and that's why I don't want him to know."

"L...Whammy doesn't care about that, I'm sure he just wants you to be ha-"

"Just don't tell him!"

I looked up at L. He was almost on the verge of tears. Whammy was always a touchy subject with L, his own parents never cared for and tossed him away to live on cold, hard streets, so L has always felt this need to make Mr. Whammy proud of him even to this very day, I guess out of fear that if he didn't he too would turn away and abandon him.

"I won't."

* * *

L has always had abandonment issues, and as much as I hate him, I feel sorry for him. Sometimes I think that I should've appreciated my own parents a little more, but its too little too late for that kind of shoulda, woulda, coulda.

So as always read and review.

Gashes and Stab Wounds,

Beyond Birthday


	7. Quarter Queen Pt I

Welcome back to Beyond Birthday's Chronicle of Crimes!

Ha ha ha ha! I'm back bitches! Today I wanna talk about the murder of Quarter Queen. She was by far my most...favorite victim. I met Quarter Queen at her school where I got a job as a janitor to get close to her. She was being beat up and teased by some other girls...

"Stop it! Stop it!" she screamed. The three girls had ganged up on her and were pulling her beautiful hair.

"We'll stop when you stop talking to Jeremy!"

"I didn't- I wasn't trying to hit on him!"

"Hey!" I shouted. I left my mop and bucket and ran to the end of the hallway.

"What do you want? Janitor Freak?" screamed the one with pigtails.

I smirked at her and pulled out my butterfly knife.

"Get away from the girl or I'll slit your throat from ear to ear."

They stopped and ran off. Queenie was crouching in the corner staring up at me.

"You ok, Queenie?" I asked, offering my hand to help her up.

She took it and smiled sadly at me.

"Thank you Mr. Janitor." she said quietly. "Those girls were angry because the most popular guy in school wants to be friends with me. He's not interested in me, he just feels sorry for me."

I smiled sweetly at her. "I'm sure, Jeremy would love to date you...I would..."

She looked up at me and smiled again. "Well...you're very cute Mr. Janitor...Oh! I've embarrassed myself." her voice, was as soft as a bird's song.

I placed a hand on her shoulder. "Oh no, thank you honey. I'm so happy you think I'm cute."

"How old are you Mr. Janitor?" she asked, in her bird twitter voice.

"Heh heh...I'm 20...too old for you I guess." I rubbed my head nervously.

"You're not THAT old...I'm 13." she said blushing.

"Just 7 years apart...listen, I would like to make for what happened today up to you...how about I treat you to some ice cream?"

Her eyes got big and a big grin spread across her face. "Really, Mr. Janitor?"

"Yes, honey. By the way, my name is Beyond Birthday but you can just call me Beyond from now on, ok?"

"Beyond Birthday? That's a very unique name. I'm Quarter Queen."

"So I see."

* * *

That's it for part one!

Gashes and Stab Wounds,

Beyond Birthday


	8. Quarter Queen Pt II

BB: *slurring* Kya ha ha ha ha ha! Welcome back bitches! To Beyond Birthday's Chronicle of Crimes!

BLBC: *raises beer* Hellz yeah! Me and BB have been gettin' a bit tipsy so that's why we haven't updated in a while...by the way folks, don't tell the cops because, I'm only 19 so...yeah

BB: *slurring* Tipsy? Tipsy my ass girl, we're fuckin' drunk as hell! Don't worry my fans won't say a word, and besides if anyone's got a problem with me buying liquor for an underage kid then they can kiss my pale, scarred ass! *falls down*

BLBC: Sorry folks...BB's kinda drunk right now...you sure you can finish the Quarter Queen story?

BB: *gets up* I'm alright...let's get started.

BLBC: *kisses BB* Just how I like my men: surly, drunk, and homicidal.

* * *

I took Quarter Queen to get some ice cream. We sat at the booth chatting for what seemed like hours.

"Mr. Birthday, you're a really fascinating guy... I'm sorry about you being an orphan though..."

I chuckled, this was almost too easy.

"Oh its alright, I think you're very fascinating too. You're so caring and beautiful. I almost wish...no...nevermind...its a stupid idea." I glanced down with a feigned look of embarrassment.

She put her hand on my shoulder, I smirked when she couldn't see me and looked up at her, fixing my face to a look of gentle desire.

"What were you going to say?"

"I just thought that...maybe...you and I...could start seeing each other."

She gasped, then blushed.

"See? I told you." I replied, downcast again.

"No! I mean...are you sure? You're a grown up..."

"Age is nothing but a number, sweetie! And who can say whether my... feelings for you are right or wrong?"

She looked at me, tears began to swell up in her eyes. She caressed my cheek.

"Ok, Beyond. Let's be together...always..."

I smiled, glancing up at her remaining lifespan.

* * *

As she said we were always together, outside of school that is. I quit the job as a janitor to throw suspicion off myself when the time came. We had "dated" for a while and I decided to have a little bit of fun with her before I killed her.

We were riding in the car together, I was about to drop her off.

"Beyond, my mom isn't home so you can drop me off at my door."

"Really now? Well, can I come in?"

She seemed to be in thought for a minute. She nodded.

"But Beyond, before we go in can I ask you something?"

"Of course, darling."

"Will you...will you make me a woman?"

This actually caught me by surprise. And hardly anything catches me by surprise.

"Umm...I don't think that's such a good idea.."

The last thing I needed was my semen being found by the police.

"But why not?"

I wrapped my arm around her.

"Sweetie, I love you. I don't want to make love to you until you're legal and ready."

"But I am ready Beyond! I want to prove my love to you!"

Why did I think about C at that moment?

My mind was working overtime. I never thought about having sex with a kid before. But the more I thought about it the more I thought it would be a good idea. Besides, its not like I don't have condoms...and just think of how lovely it would be to fuck her and beat her death afterwards?

I kissed her soft supple lips. She wrapped her arms around me.

"Ok my dear."

This could work, I get some blood and I get some ass...how very very sweet.

* * *

As always my sick and twisted fan base, read and review!

Gashes and Stab Wounds,

Beyond Birthday


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